My musings on depression and suicide

It’s hard to believe it’s been a little over a week since Robin Williams’ death.  For anyone that hasn’t heard the news he was struggling with severe depression which I consider a crippling mental illness even with all the various treatments available.

I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember but never even thought about getting help until I was in my 20’s.  I have no idea why I waited so long.  It could’ve been because I was so busy with school it never crossed my mind or because I thought this was how I was supposed to feel.  The important thing is that I finally got the help I needed, but it took a suicide attempt and a call to a friend informing her of such before I realized I needed help ASAP.

I’ve been in counseling and on medication for 10+ years.  Does it help?  I can honestly say that depends on the situation.  For 2 ½ years I worked at a job that caused me so much stress I remember leaving a message for my counselor telling her I was contemplating suicide.  The service asked if they should contact her but I don’t remember my answer.  I do remember when I finally found the job I’ve had and loved for the last six years.

Most of my depression is caused by things going on at home.  When I shared this with my psychiatrist he told me I needed to call my best friend and ask them if they wanted to get together for a night out.  While I like to think I have a lot of friends I also think it’s not fair to ask them to hang out just so I can spend the evening whining about my problems when I know many others that have it much worse than I.  And I was too embarrassed to tell him I don’t have a best friend.

I thought things had gotten better but then I discovered I was looking at everything with rose-colored glasses which has caused me to think about how much I want it all to go away and I don’t care what it takes to make it happen,

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