What a difference a year makes especially when you have a mental illness

 

A year ago I was preparing to attend the season premiere taping of ‘The Big Bang Theory’. I took the VIP tour at Warner Bros. Studios and got to take pictures of the backlot sets (‘Gilmore Girls’ anyone?), visited the TBBT and Conan O’Brien sets (no pictures allowed), saw the Batman 50th Anniversary and ‘Harry Potter’ exhibits (my hair was red so the sorting hat figured I was a Weasley and put me in Griffindor) and had what was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Would I attend another taping? As long as I can spend longer than a few days there and I will make sure to make time to see my friends from college that live in CA and I didn’t see last year.

Flash forward to now and while I’m ecstatic and eagerly awaiting the season 9 premiere of TBBT, I’m also thinking back to the news that I read when I came out of the taping that Robin Williams had died. We later learned he had committed suicide and was suffering from severe depression.

As someone who also suffers from severe depression I can honestly say I know the pain, loneliness, feeling of worthlessness and the desire to make it all go away. I think I knew I was depressed after my maternal grandfather passed away in 1983 but I didn’t seek help until I was in my 20’s. By that time I had made a very poor “attempt” at suicide. I say it this way because I knew the pills I was taking wouldn’t kill me but I also knew that someone would see it for what it truly was – a cry for help.

Even though I’ve been seeing a counselor and taking medication for 20+ years doesn’t mean I’m okay. Between work, The Boy and other various stressors my mind has constantly been doing the “Things will never get better” loop for the last two months. I’ve spent many days trying to figure out why I should keep going and whether it’s worth it. I’m so spent physically, mentally and emotionally I don’t have anything left to give anyone especially myself.

Will I mention this to my counselor at my next appointment?  I always discuss work and TB but I feel that some of my other issues are shallow and I’d rather try working them out on my own.  I know I’m being foolish but that’s always been my MO when it comes to problems I feel are more superficial than serious; I internalize them because that’s just how I am.  I may write about them but I honestly don’t know what I’ll do if anything.

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